I know you are never going to read this, but I want to write it anyway.
I really miss you. More than I can even explain in words. There is this hole in my heart that you would be filling if you were here. Even though I say that, I don't want you to feel guilty. I know that you weren't thinking correctly at all when you took your life. And I know that I shouldn't be sad. I want to be happy for you that you have finally found unimaginable peace and happiness with God, but I miss you all the same. Sometimes I wish you were here again and then I get angry at myself for wishing you were here instead of where you really are which is so much better then this world.
I wonder why you decided to leave us. Sometimes I get confused about why we get so sad about death, first because I know the dead go to heaven to be with God and second because I know we will meet again some day. Then I start to get really angry at myself for being so sad - I should be happy for you! But that leads me down a dangerous path, because when I start thinking that way, I think what is the point of staying alive? I really need to talk to someone about this. But then I remember that the reason that I am sad is not because I am a bad person, but because I miss you and my thoughts are clouded by that grief.
Sometimes I forget that you are gone. I keep waiting for you to come home ro come upstairs and it makes me so sad to realize that that will never happen again. Sometimes I wonder when I will wake up from this dream and be able to hug my little brother and then I remember that it is not a dream. You are really gone from this world and I just have to deal with it.
I hope you knew how many people loved you and how many peoples lives you touched with your Mitchell-ness.
I hope you know that I loved you so much and I still love you and I will always love you! There is a special place in my heart for you - you're my brother.
I think about you every day and I don't think I will ever stop thinking about you. I'm going to miss you from family events, like Christmas and weddings (it's going to be hard to have a part of my family missing from my wedding ), and I'm going to continue to miss you from every day things, like seeing you in the morning getting ready for school or hearing you bicker with Austin.
One last thing that I feel like I have to tell you is that I forgive you. I know that you probably thought that you would solve all of our problems by leaving us, but it actually caused so much pain and sorrow. I forgive you for causing us that pain. And I ask that you forgive me for anything that I might have ever done to make you feel unwanted or unloved. Please.
I'll love you and miss you forever.
Your big sister,